(to communicate a truth in pure form)

and about what you were saying today:
you know, i used to work without the audience in mind. i'm going to try to work from that place again. i think the expectations coming back at me (or perceived expectations, anyway) have been interfering with my signal to the point of almost self destruction. i don't think there is anything worse than not being satisfied with what is coming out (creatively) and working to no avail (while at the same time believing that my survival depends on it, which feeds the interference backloop creating a totally unnecessary impasse). it's like that dream of being attacked and trying to scream but not a peep comes out. no voice equals no expression equals no help equals (invariably) death or at least torture, loss, and destruction to some degree. but i see how at the deepest modes of operation this fear of death disguises itself in tricky (seemingly innocent) mental arrangements that inevitably produce snarled networks of nested misperceptions to such a degree that it seems impossible to disentangle oneself, let alone communicate a truth in pure form...! i can sort of see my mistakes (in thinking) generating here pretty clearly, which means i must be hovering outside of that story, which means i must be making some fucking incredible progress. that's all.